Does the movie Legally Blonde make you cry? It does me. It’s one of my favorite film comedies, undemanding, frothy and lighthearted. But because it reminds me of wonderful times with my daughter, it also makes me sad. Inspired after seeing the movie together in the summer of 2001, we embarked on a mother-daughter journey of nail/hair appointments and shopping excursions that lasted through the end of Katie’s high school years in 2006. It was girly and fun, and created memories that will last us both all our lives. I don’t know what good that’ll do me, though, because I can hardly bear to remember them.
The word “nostalgia” has its origin in two Greek words: “nostos,” meaning “return home,” and “algos,” meaning “pain.” Originally nostalgia meant homesickness so acute it was a disease, a serious condition that could result in severe debilitation and even death. Now it’s come to mean something closer to a sentimental stroll down Memory Lane, a look back at recollections that elicit feelings of warmth, with maybe a touch of the pleasurably bittersweet.
Not for me. When I look back I risk drowning in a sea of regret and longing.
Needless to say I don’t scrapbook and I don’t save concert ticket stubs. If I move more than a few hours away, I don’t keep friends. I throw things out as soon as they’re used up, tattered, or broken, because to save them is to create a cult of memory. Which is a weight I cannot bear.
How did this happen? I wasn’t always like this, and there is a window on the distant past—before I was 16 or 17—that I can look through freely. But by the time I started college I was set in my determination to focus only on the present and future. It began when trying to keep in touch with high school friends left me depressed, so I stopped. Ever since then I’ve kept my back turned on almost the entire block of time that lies behind me. I am free to examine recollections from the past four to five years, but the rest are stored in a mental strongbox, out of sight and as far out of mind as I can stow it. Ten years from now, this moment will have been in that box for a long while.
You Can’t Go Home Again is a Thomas Wolfe novel published in 1940. I’ve never read it. But the simple truth of the title hits me whenever I wonder why I’m wired this way. Why does dwelling on the past, especially its happiest moments, make me literally sick to my stomach? Does my head know something my heart won’t accept? That my best days are behind me?
Well. That came out of nowhere. Let’s pretend I didn’t say it.
Right now I’m working on The Underland: The Rise of Tanipestis, Book 2 in my fantasy series. Without giving anything away, I’ll say that one of the characters must travel to the realm we usually think of as Hell, and to do so, is forced to relive a day from the distant past. It’s a wrenching experience that brings fresh pain to a character who’s already been through plenty. Is there a little something of me in all of my characters? Even this one?
Yes. Sometimes more than a little.
This post is the result of a suggestion from my friend Susan, who has friends she’s kept for seventy (!) years. Thank you, Susan, for your idea. It prompted me to confront issues that I prefer to box up and forget. Oh, and there are no photos to accompany today's text, but it's probably obvious why.
Next time, something less serious: the Westside, a refreshing summer drink that’s like limeade for grownups! Have your pitchers ready!
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Thanks for this post - it gives insight into what I suspected but felt inappropriate to ask about - You are going to have incredible days ahead - just wait till your novel is published and read - you will have to learn how to be famous !! I remember the days of you and Katie and your girly forays - I remember that you had beautiful smiles and very straight hair. I truly think you have it right to be in the present and look to the future. Most great thinkers, philosophers and enlightened beings believe this way.
Thank you, Denise! May you be right about everything you've said!
and now I understand why it is hhard for you. Glad it helped to confront it. It can be disturbinng to remember things past but I am always grateful I have a past and it keeps the people that are gone close to me and is commforting at times. Great blog if I may say so!!!
Thank you, Susan, and it is entirely your prerogative to say so!
You write so very beautifully, Susan. Upon first reading, I found your words so touching. Wrenchingly so in places. I feel badly for the pain you feel upon remembering - especially the good times. I also can identify with a number of things you said - pain, regret, ... I'll have to re-read to get more specifics. On another day. I do agree that the 'wise' ones advise us to live in the present, that that is for the best. I have wasted much time and mental/emotional energy on the past. Let it occupy too much real estate in my head... (haha, guess who just watched tv). Oh, speaking of tv and movies, I love Legally Blond also.... OK, enough for now. Keep up this beautiful website and meaty, tasty blog... And your book publishing goals... Hang in there... You are not alone.
Thank you, Claire! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, and it's very good to know I'm not alone!